february 13th 2024
feeling: somber
listening to: the exhumation of princess pavement - june henry (out on all streaming platforms at midnight!)
working hard on a really cool page for the site that will hopefully be up soon. i've decided im gonna make my more vent-y blogs just completely blacked out because its easier than feeling vulnerable. you guys should listen to june henry.
btw thanks for all the love on the site, i assume most views are just the homepage or whatever and people probably dont read these as much as i think but still, thanks!
EDIT: cool page is up! you can view it here! i'm really proud of it so i hope you check it out and listen to some of my favs :)
february 12th 2024
warning for mentions of abuse
im worried about a friend.im worried because theyre in the exact same situation i was in when i was their age(well, a year or so younger, but still). so many variables are so similar or even the exact same as the situation i had with. someone Bad. down to the gap in our ages. down to the gap in time between getting away for the first time and. what im getting nauseous thinking about. i think they want to contact someone who hurt them. or maybe i just have these thoughts because its so familiar to me. 7 months, right? i know its been hard for them to deal with in conjunction with many other things happening in their life and i completely understand. and i think more than they know, even though they know a lot. and i feel like i cant say anything because im bad with words and feelings and confrontation and i dont think they like me very much right now due to other reasons and im probably not even like top 3 people theyd want advice(or whatever this is) from. but im scared. really really scared. because i know going back to --- was one of the worst things i have ever done, and i did it more than once. theres so much trauma there that i could have avoided. but i was so fucking lonely and desperate and wanted to go back to the comfort of their abuse because i thought it was better than nothing. because i thought they would have grown in 7 fucking months. but now its been 3 years and they still havent. funny. and im scared. im scared because i see so much in this person. so much growth, so much to look forward to. but also so much of myself. and i dont want them to make the same mistakes i did. and i dont know how to live with myself if i let it happen. but at the same time i know im not the person who can get through to them.
and maybe i am overthinking it. maybe they are better, more well-equipped to deal with it than i am. they have a lot of people other than me who are there for them, to steer them on the right path. but still i am so fucking scared. because i do care about them. because i do see so much in them. someone who is worth so much than the people who have harmed them. and i understand what its like. and i went back right at this same time in my timeline. and i feel like im seeing the signs of it with them. maybe they do have a support system, but maybe it isnt enough. because it wasnt for me. and i hid it. i hid going back to --- for 5 months. from my closest friends. and i am scared they will do the same. i dont want them to end up like me. thats the last thing i want. i feel like i talk so much about myself but its the only way i can say it. i dont want to share more information because its not my place. but im worried. and scared. and i dont want them to do what i did. i dont want them to have to suffer. and im scared that once others notice itll be too late.
and my throat is closing up thinking about it. and i dont know where to go from here. i dont know what else to say. i dont know what to do. because i dont think any course of action will help. and i know i cant help someone who cant help themself. but im worried. and scared. and i care too much about them to ignore the feeling in my gut.
february 10th 2024 (again)
feeling: WACK!!!! (still)
listening to: this is why - paramore (still)
oh yea i forgor to say this in the last blog but i do rly wanna change how this page looks it looks so bad but idk what to make it look like what do yall think. ive been meaning to since its like the page i post on the most but. yknow. anyway. new layout for this page coming like this year i hope. ok bye
february 10th 2024
feeling: WACK!!!!
listening to: this is why - paramore
hello!!! long time no see... lots going on with holidays and exams yadda yadda... BORING! ive been meaning to type a little something up here for a bit but didnt really know what... but the other day i did a little WINDOWS CUSTOMIZATION and i wanna talk about that i think :3
so waddya mean by windows customization? well. basically i went on a quest to make my little home of a computer into a sillier more cool looking version. what i did was change my taskbar, change desktop icons, change my mouse cursor, change the boot-up sound and background, convert to betterdiscordism, and update my little firefox style!
first thing i did was start using RetroBar in order to make my taskbar look like the taskbar from windows xp, which, if you've seen some other pages on my site, you can tell i have a bit of an affinity for. more than my love of old windows, i have HATRED for new windows. i think its so boring and bland looking.. now my taskbar looks so much better (example pictured below)
next up was desktop icons! i feel like everyone knows how to do this by now, but if u don't know, baaaaasically u just gotta right click on the icon and go to like properties and itll give u a little menu or whatever there to change it. as long as u have yr desired pngs in a .ico file u can change them to whateva!!!!!!!!!! fuckin rules. i made mine the icons from suckerpunch.wtf and changed the recycle bin to an idog. because i like them. i think changing it for recycle bin is a little different. lemme find the article i used... ok here i found it
here u can see my little desktop. yea im using bliss as a background of course i am #blissgirl
and of COURSE i changed my cursor. i made it the wiimote cursor :3 u kno the one. i think like everyone knows how to change their cursor by now if u dont yr a loser sorry... dont download any shitty software for it either its so easy i think theres literally a thing in yr windows settings to change it. anyway i did that
OMG the bootup sound and background like... background is simple its like the same process as changing yr normal background just in like a different place but sadly i did not know how to change it until literally 2 days ago when i did this... failure... but then i did it:3 i changed it to the windows 7 login background because nostalgia... until like 3 years ago i was still using windows 7 so u know i had to. and i changed the sound to this like slot machine noise thats used in butterfly soup because i have AUTISM!!!!! idk how to really show that in pics tho sorry... same thing with the login screen like i cant really screenshot from there so u gotta take my word.
i was able to unblur the background and change the bootup sound thanks 2 winaero tweaker MY BELOVED!!!! if u dont use winaero tweaker i strongly suggest it this thing can do so many things its like windows settings beast mode. i was also able to remove the stupid shortcut icon from my shortcuts on my desktop with it as well :) i reccommend it if yr into customization n stuff or just making yr windows not be dumb.
betterdiscord... my beloved... i was always scared to use it until now because my ass is always paranoid about something but i decided fuck it i need nice things and i got this pretty little windows xp theme.. u can get it here!! setting up betterdiscord is super self explanatory if yr interested in doing it. took like 5 mins & was totally worth it cuz now i get that sweet serotonin when i look at it.
if u use firefox its kinda clear how i changed the look of it. i just made it look like windows xp with an addon LOL.
now my computer looks all like fire. and awesome. these things took like my whole day but it was so worth it cuz now it makes me very happy when i use my computer (more than usual) and just feels more... me... i love u wimdows xp forever......
thanx 4 reading i'll try to update this site more bcz i really like to i just dont like doing things
november 14th 2023
feeling: stressed but content at the same time somehow
listening to: tinderbox - siouxsie and the banshees
okay what the fuck was wrong with me when i said i didn't care for siouxsie and the banshees/goth music? what was wrong with her???? ive been listening to more goth stuff the past like week and hello i love this stuff (not as much as my main girls chick rock and 2000s emo but still)! i genuinely have no idea what i was on. cities in dust is like the best song ever made (hyperbole). genuinely. what was up with her. i retract that statement. obviously.
in other news, this terms marks in school came out and WTF i got a 70 in my best subject? english>? literally been my best subject all through school and all of a sudden its my worst mark? its eating at me. like. i pass in all the work i get and i try my best and the stuff i do get corrected and brought back to me is LITERALLY ALWAYS 80-100% so HELLO why is my overall mark a 70????? i HATE SCHOOL!!!!!!!
whatever. im gonna get my mom to talk to the teacher and ask WTF is up. so it'll be solved.
in other other news. i've been thinking about fashion a lot lately and adding onto my fashion pinterest board (its at 3k pins) a lot. my style has, to tie this whole blog in i guess, been leaning a lot more gothic as of late (like the last year or so). i think its becoming more apparent since getting my beloved trenchcoats and rosary that im leaning that way. i really like it. im super sensitive to the cold and its like the only style i like that works really well with layering, which is nice. i think my favorite styles that i take a lot of influence from as of late are romantic goth, trad goth, & mall goth. but ofcourse i have other fashion inspirations... namely miss ellie nash from degrassi! i'll probably input a picture below if im not too lazy when i finish writing this. shes literally my icon i love her i love her. shes the fashion icon of every alternative ginger (add canadian in there too!). she is CONSTANTLY serving and it pisses me off that i dont just have her whole wardrobe. speaking of which... going thrifting in a few days which will be awesome. lets hope i find some awesomeness :prayerhands:
OH speaking of ellie nash. i posted a fanfiction involving her on ao3 the other day that i had lying around in my docs for like 6 months LOL still kinda proud of it so i posted it. heres the link if u wanna read
ok i think im done now. heres the ellie images as promised:
november 4th 2023
feeling: alive!!! (luckily)
listening to: vampire song - june henry
my long awaited return to site upkeep! school has been kicking my ass and i was working on a lot of personal portfolio stuff for a while but now i am back i think... i keep feeling the need to apologize for not updating my site as if the whole point isnt to get away from creating for an audience hahahaha... so i'm trying to kick that! i wanna make more things but for now i'll probably just keep to doing blogs until school slows down a bit... i do wanna make a few things so i'll make a list while i'm thinking of it
- thrift log
- collections page
- design page (for posters :) )
- zines page hehe
i feel like i have more than these but i can't remember... i gotta start writing things down!
anyway, whats new with you? i've been listening to a lot of june henry and working on posters and stuff (im improving a bunch i think). i rewatched seasons 1-3 of glee recently (the only real seasons) and it brought a lot of memories back, good ones. such a funny show watch it if you're queer and not easily offended.
okay byebye for now!
august 18th 2023
feeling: burnt out
listening to: joe's old hat - lindsay minton
feeling so burnt out from everything lately. i have a few ideas for what i want to do with the site but i just cant get myself to start them. same thing with drawing or writing or anything of that sort. just seems so impossible to start. though i know thats the hardest part. i just feel like not doing anything. but i also hate not doing anything.
i was on vacation for a few days and now im back and feel like i've lost my groove. i was making a lot of progress on this site and now i havent worked on it in over a week. i've just been listening to music and scrolling on the miscellanious apps that i hate. everything just feels so impossible!!!!!
ok. watever. im just gonna lay down now. thanx 4 the love
august 8th 2023
feeling: nostalgic, yearning, even
listening to: weight - june henry, camisado - panic! at the disco
really personal entry, sorry if you care more for the silly ones, i've just been plagued with thoughts!
been thinking about people recently. i guess more specifically the sorts of people that i was codependent on back in my younger days. one in particular.
the kind of codependent homoerotic friendship us queers tend to have in our middle school years. i guess our relationship was like that but under the label of dating. we never really were romantic other than sending paragraphs ending with 'ily'. too young to know how to really be romantic, too codependent to just be platonic. i read over the paragraphs they sent me the other day and i kind of realized that no matter how non-romantic it seems in retrospect, that we both truly and deeply cared about eachother in a time in our lives when we both desperately needed it. how much of our relationship was borderline suicide prevention. maybe it wasn't the healthiest, but god was it a savior to me. and looking back, it was to them as well.
i think i tend to retroactively view my relationships as more one-sided than they really are. but when i have this kind of proof, the paragraphs, i really can remind myself that it was real, it wasn't just me. i had forgotten most of what our relationship was like outside of my own clouded memories, it has been a few years after all, but stuff like this just brings me back, it helps me remember why i loved this person so much.
we were both clueless kids, just trying to latch onto some sort of glimmer of hope in our lives when it seemed so hopeless, both being queer & trans & neurodivergent & all. we were that for eachother. almost to an annoying extent. we would message constantly, attached at the hip during school, and we had almost the same exact interests. it was that sort of relationship. though it wasn't all fun and games all the time, it was salvation.
i miss them, a lot. i wonder what it'd be like being friends with them now. as we are currently. we've talked a bit in the past few years, always getting on like old times but never long enough for it to really become natural again. we're in the same school program and as i've said previously we've talked a bit. but it's not to a point where i'd call them a friend. it makes sense, you know, we've grown up and apart and have our different friends and interests now, and they have a job. a part of growing up is not holding people to who they were when we were close, but selfishly, i do want that connection back, that closeness, that person. but i don't want to force that onto my minds version of them.
i came to the realization not long ago that they are one of the only people i really would be devastated to lose contact with after graduation. it's weird, having this tenuous connection with someone i don't even consider a friend. i'm kind of in this weird area where i don't care about anyone except my closest friends and family, where i feel like theres not much i would miss if i left here, but theres these few select people that i just. i need to stay in contact with. i've fantasized about deleting social media and becoming a new person after graduation but i just cant do it. because i'd lose these people. people i've already lost. but i cant fathom losing the only pieces i have left.
maybe it's a bit weird, but i find myself thinking about this a lot. i wonder if the people i miss do the same. i hope they do, i hope i take up a little bit of space in their minds, because they take up a lot of mine.
i think i'll always be missing people. like a dog, i'll stay waiting at the door if they ever want to come home, and i'll greet them, tail wagging.
july 29th 2023
feeling: accomplished
listening to: totally crushed out! - that dog. (see jukebox)
i've done a lot of coding today. yay! made my shrines page look a lot cooler by making the borders n stuff actually look like windows xp borders (it was just blue before) which turned out good & oddly enough helped fix the formatting on mobile so it is more mobile friendly now. it took forEVER though. but now it's done!
i also added a jukebox to the index page, which is super cool and inspired by my friends site!! you can check them out here! mines not the exact same but a similar idea hehe. also on the index page i made my own silly little logo header thing. it looks purposely silly. like something made in kidpix or something. & i made a little link-back thing (i dont know what to call it!) that you can find there too.
other than coding, which took up a good amount of my day, i went to the record store! usually its a hit or miss because its small and mostly second hand, but i lucked out this time! melodrama by lorde (a personal fav, had this on my discogs wantlist), nirvana mtv unplugged, and (whats the story?) morning glory by oasis. all on cd. i think its a good little haul! it was like. 19 bucks too which rocks. i hate spending money, but sometimes i deserve a little treat... a nice spinny treat that feeds me sound waves.
july 24th 2023
feeling: full of light
listening to: misc
one of my favorite hobbies is finding a spotify user with a music taste i envy and going through all of their playlists, listening to the little snippets and adding the stand out songs to my 'to listen' playlist to listen to them later on. today is one of those days where i listen to the to listen playlist. well not the to listen playlist quite yet, right now i'm listening to one of the playlists i've taken from. its good so far. i don't typically find my favorite artists through this method but it does give me more to listen to, which is always good. every so often i'm able to add to my 'underground' playlist, which is filled with artists with under 30k monthly listeners. it's nice to find. this process usually lasts an hour or two of just going through the songs and then however long of actually listening to them. ironically, thats the worst part. because i have to actually sit down and dedicate myself to it. sometimes listening to music just gets so boring. not even the music but the act of listening to it. takes me out of my routine. but maybe that's just because of this weird music slump i've been in. which i say despite the fact that i've listened to tons of music the past month. maybe i'm just self consious. who knows!
the song i'm listening to right now is called want more need less, its by this band curve. its pretty cool. kind of chick rocky which i always love but also kind of dream pop-y which i also always love. now we're on a siouxie and the banshees song. i don't care too much about siouxie, i think maybe i should. i don't hate the band, i like it, but i think i just don't really like goth music as much as i've tried to make myself. i think it's also maybe that the songs tend to overstay their welcome. i like long songs but when they're not really interesting to me, they just feel... bleh. you know?
i dont know. i could write forever about music and such but i feel like such an elitist whenever i speak about anything that the people i know dont know (which is like... a lot. sorry.) so i just. dont. like, when i'm into something i know one of my friends likes i give myself the space to talk about it because i know someone else will get it. but when it comes to the other stuff i like i guess its like. i feel like one of those music snob people because i'm talking about stuff nobody else really cares about. doesn't really help that i already feel like i seem like an elitist because of the way i talk about things and. you know. being called one (thanks!). its petty to bring up and stupid to be upset over. i guess i try to pretend it doesnt get to me but somehow it always does. nobody likes someone whos always talking about this 'amazing artist youve never heard' and saying you should get out of your comfort zone with music. because really, what do i know? theres so many better things to be upset over.
im not that upset, really. things just get to me sometimes. i'm actually having a good day. i'm listening to nice music (now on red lanterns by seaside) & drinking lemonade. my cat is laying on her blanket all sprawled out. it's nice.
july 23rd 2023
feeling: sore (my throat hurts)
listening to: mitski
im listening to mitski. because she announced another album today apparently. so im finishing listening to her entire discography, which i started back in like, february. i've already listened to these albums tens of times. i had a very deep mitski phase in 2021. but i wanted to listen to them again because of a new friend. not so new anymore. but they really like mitski, more than i ever did. its nice to listen to something i really loved a while ago. brings back all those feels, you know?
i used to think be the cowboy was her worst album but now i realized how attached i've grown to it and i'm like. wow. i really love this album.
also. dont ask me to rank any of her albums i'll start crying. i dont think any of them are bad theyre all masterpieces to me. laurel hell and be the cowboy arent her worst btw if you say that youre LYING. and youre a HATER. who hates JOY.
it's really interesting to listen to the music that i was really into when i was like, a freshman. now. going into senior year. after every phase ive gone through in the past four years and every thing ive done and all the music ive listened to. it just gives you a new perspective on it i guess. theres so many more things i see in these songs now that i didn't when i was 14. so many comparisons i can draw to other artists i've grown to love since. growing up, i guess? to think that we could stay the same!
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